It has been three weeks now and it feels like three days. Everyone keeps telling me that I will feel better with time but so far all time has done is make me miss my husband even more. I get our kids to sleep at night and then it is my time to lay down and cry. I wake up just before dawn and then my mind begins reliving every moment of every week leading up to September 27th. What did I not see? What did I not hear him say? What could I have done differently? Why? Why? Why? So very many questions run through my mind but not one single answer. I spend part of almost each day sitting at the cemetery asking Al all of these same questions and still not one single answer. I desperately wish for the time that a Sunday morning is not spent watching every minute click by on the clock just wondering.
I need to make sure that all of you who keep emailing me and leaving me voice mail messages know how much I do appreciate them. I read them and listen to them over and over but I just can't find the strength to talk yet. Whenever I run into someone I know, it's all I can do to hold it together long enough to say hi and not run the opposite direction and hide. I hope that all of you understand how much you mean to me and I pray that you will all still be there when I am ready to talk.
It is overwhelming that so many of you have been so generous to me and my kids. I have received many cards and such heartfelt letters. All of the donations are so generous and kind of you and mean so much to me. They are appreciated more than I can possibly express. It is terrifying to me that Kylie and Jake are dependent entirely on me to support them now. I am very lucky to have family and friends like you to help me.
I am doing the best I can for the moment to keep Kylie and Jake in their daily routine. They are both back at school and doing very well. I am amazed at how wonderful their teachers and parents of their friends have been through this. Having so many of them come to Al's funeral and for them to give extra close attention to Kylie and Jake at school. It makes my leaving them at school so much easier. A lot of you have asked if I need help with them after school. Thank you for your offers of picking them up and having them over to play. In time that will be great. For now, I watch the clock all day waiting to be able to pick them up and bring them home with me.
One thing I know for sure is that each time I look into Kylie's eyes I can see her dad. She has his beautiful eyes and his fun spirit. Kylie is always feeling her happiest when she is sure everyone around her his happy. When Jake smiles he has his dad's mischievous yet loving grin. Jake definitely has a heart of gold just like dad.
I am proud to have married such a smart, caring and fun loving man. I know with all my heart that he loves me and our children. I also know that he loves all of you. He is missed deeply with every minute of every single day.
All our love,
Stacy, Kylie and Jake
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