It has been three weeks now and it feels like three days. Everyone keeps telling me that I will feel better with time but so far all time has done is make me miss my husband even more. I get our kids to sleep at night and then it is my time to lay down and cry. I wake up just before dawn and then my mind begins reliving every moment of every week leading up to September 27th. What did I not see? What did I not hear him say? What could I have done differently? Why? Why? Why? So very many questions run through my mind but not one single answer. I spend part of almost each day sitting at the cemetery asking Al all of these same questions and still not one single answer. I desperately wish for the time that a Sunday morning is not spent watching every minute click by on the clock just wondering.
I need to make sure that all of you who keep emailing me and leaving me voice mail messages know how much I do appreciate them. I read them and listen to them over and over but I just can't find the strength to talk yet. Whenever I run into someone I know, it's all I can do to hold it together long enough to say hi and not run the opposite direction and hide. I hope that all of you understand how much you mean to me and I pray that you will all still be there when I am ready to talk.
It is overwhelming that so many of you have been so generous to me and my kids. I have received many cards and such heartfelt letters. All of the donations are so generous and kind of you and mean so much to me. They are appreciated more than I can possibly express. It is terrifying to me that Kylie and Jake are dependent entirely on me to support them now. I am very lucky to have family and friends like you to help me.
I am doing the best I can for the moment to keep Kylie and Jake in their daily routine. They are both back at school and doing very well. I am amazed at how wonderful their teachers and parents of their friends have been through this. Having so many of them come to Al's funeral and for them to give extra close attention to Kylie and Jake at school. It makes my leaving them at school so much easier. A lot of you have asked if I need help with them after school. Thank you for your offers of picking them up and having them over to play. In time that will be great. For now, I watch the clock all day waiting to be able to pick them up and bring them home with me.
One thing I know for sure is that each time I look into Kylie's eyes I can see her dad. She has his beautiful eyes and his fun spirit. Kylie is always feeling her happiest when she is sure everyone around her his happy. When Jake smiles he has his dad's mischievous yet loving grin. Jake definitely has a heart of gold just like dad.
I am proud to have married such a smart, caring and fun loving man. I know with all my heart that he loves me and our children. I also know that he loves all of you. He is missed deeply with every minute of every single day.
All our love,
Stacy, Kylie and Jake
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Donation Update, yet again....
I understand that some people are still having trouble with either Chase or Paypal (no fault of yours, they're just a pain!) and I apologize.
If you are able to go to a Chase branch please make sure you email me first at annikatm@hotmail.com and I can give you the direct account number for the Alfonso Mata Benevolent Fund in benefit of Stacy, Kylie, and Jake Mata. It should be under the account name but many branches are still asking for the account number.
OR
I have also updated the Paypal option as a non-profit organization but please be aware that they do charge us a small processing fee. Although for convenience, we are very happy to do it! (it's a small price to pay and also allows us to keep track of who donates a little more efficiently).
Please, this is to benefit the family for their losses and ultimately for Kylie 7, and Jake 5, for their future trust accounts.
Love always,
Annika
If you are able to go to a Chase branch please make sure you email me first at annikatm@hotmail.com and I can give you the direct account number for the Alfonso Mata Benevolent Fund in benefit of Stacy, Kylie, and Jake Mata. It should be under the account name but many branches are still asking for the account number.
OR
I have also updated the Paypal option as a non-profit organization but please be aware that they do charge us a small processing fee. Although for convenience, we are very happy to do it! (it's a small price to pay and also allows us to keep track of who donates a little more efficiently).
Please, this is to benefit the family for their losses and ultimately for Kylie 7, and Jake 5, for their future trust accounts.
Love always,
Annika
Monday, October 5, 2009
One Week
It’s been one week since my brothers passing. We are still trying to make sense of all this but yesterday was my mom’s birthday and we took Kylie and Jake to the pumpkin patch. I was reminded that life goes on whether its birthdays or traditions or holidays, especially for the kids. I realize there will be ups and downs and it will be especially hard for all of us as Al’s FAVORITE holidays are upon us like Sand Sport Shows, Thanksgiving in Glamis and The Sema Show as well as all those other silly traditional holidays ;). Our lives will be forever changed by the loss of my brother but whether we realize it or not our lives have already been affected by his living influence which is more powerful than the grief that we have had to succumb to.
Friday’s services were beautiful and our family couldn’t have asked for anything more. Al rolled out in his Chevy red ride draped in gorgeous white flowers and chrome trim. So AL, right? And Jake never left his side, he wanted to stay with daddy as Kylie quietly mirrored her mothers emotions. I can’t remember what I said to fill the silence at the beginning of the services but I did hear what Stacy said and if we can do anything for her and the kids it is to continuously remind them and help them understand how awesome Al was in personality, business and as a father, brother, husband, son and friend. I can’t say we are doing better but our hearts are a little more at peace with each passing day, hug and fond Al memory.
If you were able to comprehend Father Tom’s sermon through your tears, he spoke a lot about the emotions brought on by Al’s passing. I particularly feel angry and I’m sure we will all go through motions but to know that I’m not alone in my sadness, anger and guilt is a step in healing. I hope to heal and learn from my mourning and hug everyone just little tighter from now on.
So, now it’s Monday. I’m back to work and I’m sure it looks like I brushed my hair with a pillow (classic Al quote), but I’m here. Tonight I will go back to school. And this weekend ill work my ass off to catch up and get my head and life back on track best as possible after this major derailment because I know that’s what my brother would want me to do. He would tell me to suck it up and say hey “your legs aren’t broke and while you’re at it will you make me a grilled cheese? And a Dr Pepper with ice….thanks”
Friday’s services were beautiful and our family couldn’t have asked for anything more. Al rolled out in his Chevy red ride draped in gorgeous white flowers and chrome trim. So AL, right? And Jake never left his side, he wanted to stay with daddy as Kylie quietly mirrored her mothers emotions. I can’t remember what I said to fill the silence at the beginning of the services but I did hear what Stacy said and if we can do anything for her and the kids it is to continuously remind them and help them understand how awesome Al was in personality, business and as a father, brother, husband, son and friend. I can’t say we are doing better but our hearts are a little more at peace with each passing day, hug and fond Al memory.
If you were able to comprehend Father Tom’s sermon through your tears, he spoke a lot about the emotions brought on by Al’s passing. I particularly feel angry and I’m sure we will all go through motions but to know that I’m not alone in my sadness, anger and guilt is a step in healing. I hope to heal and learn from my mourning and hug everyone just little tighter from now on.
So, now it’s Monday. I’m back to work and I’m sure it looks like I brushed my hair with a pillow (classic Al quote), but I’m here. Tonight I will go back to school. And this weekend ill work my ass off to catch up and get my head and life back on track best as possible after this major derailment because I know that’s what my brother would want me to do. He would tell me to suck it up and say hey “your legs aren’t broke and while you’re at it will you make me a grilled cheese? And a Dr Pepper with ice….thanks”
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Al and Friends
These are pictures that friends of Al have graciously contributed, if you have any to share please email me at: annikatm@hotmail and I will add them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)